Personal growth

Although I’ve been blogging for over a year now, I realised I’ve never written anything particularly personal, so I figured I’d write one today.

Over the past three years or so, I’ve grown a lot. No, I don’t mean physically (I’m still as short as ever) but emotionally.

Today I read through the mood diary I made for my therapy sessions in 2013. Admittedly, my issues started long before then, but this is the first time I’d really documented how I felt. Although it was difficult to read through a lot of it, I felt it was important to see how far I’ve come since then.

I wanted to share a couple of extracts from back in 2013, at the height of my problems with depression, anger and anxiety. So here goes…

‘Woke up feeling very angry and tense’…’got really angry with my mum because she knocked something over’…’strong urge to self harm’…’extremely miserable – cried for an hour’…’screamed at parents for eating too loud’.

Most of my diary consists of these types of thoughts and comments. There was barely a day whereby I was calm all day. Even ‘good’ days were those where I only shouted at someone a couple of times, never just a day where I was fairly contented. I was self harming virtually every day, screaming at people for no reason, having major anxiety attacks on a frequent basis and just generally hating life.

However, if I were to make a diary now, it would be very different. I have far more good days than bad, and can generally go an entire day without any incidents. Yes, I still have bad days, or days where my anxiety gets the better of me, but I have methods of dealing with these without cutting myself or taking it out on my family.

When I look back on the last two years, though, I can see that although it’s been a bumpy road, I have progressed enormously. I can now use my experiences to help others, know what job I want to do in the future – I’m hoping to become a clinical psychologist, so I can use my experiences to help others – have friends who I actively meet up with, enjoy spending time with my family again, and am generally happy to be me and to be alive.

It’s hard to believe less than a year ago, I felt so depressed that I tried to kill myself. That doesn’t even feel like the same person I am today. I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the last few years, and I think maybe this all happened so I can help others in the future, so they don’t have to go through the same things I did.

Who knows? Maybe in another year I’ll have grown even more. I’d like to one day be free from depression and anxiety, but I realise I have a long way to go yet. Either way, I’ll keep working towards that goal, one day at a time.

Aspergers portrayals in the media – The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime

I must admit, this book is one of my favourites. I think it captures the essence of what it feels like to live with aspergers perfectly.

The book tells the story of a teenage boy, Christopher, who has Asperger’s syndrome. Throughout the book we see him take his first steps toward independence, as he uncovers a lie which has impacted him for several years. It is primarily a story about love and growing up, with aspergers as a secondary issue, making his journey harder than most.

I actually read this book prior to my own diagnosis, and found myself relating to a lot of Christopher’s issues, such as not being able to deal with change and furniture being moved. Up until that point, I believed I was the only person to feel like that. Meltdowns are also portrayed extremely well throughout the novel, with some fantastic descriptions of the thought processes involved, and the feeling of being overwhelmed by your senses.

My only critique of the novel is the fact that Christopher is definitely portrayed on the more extreme end of the spectrum, so wasn’t as relatable as some of the characters I’ve read. However, this is often done for dramatic purposes, so it didn’t really bother me.

Overall, it’s a fantastic book which I highly recommend to everyone looking for a book about aspergers, or just to avid readers in general. It’s an easy read, as it is officially considered a children’s book, but it’s also very relevant for adults as well.

Hope you enjoy!

Life isn’t all about grades

This is something I’ve learned recently. There is far more to life than getting good grades.

I used to be the type of person to spend hours every night stressing over homework, and making sure it was as detailed as possible. But, guess what? It never made me happy. This year, I’ve made sure to allow myself at least a couple of hours every day for ‘me’ time – time to de-stress and watch TV, or just do something fun for a while, without focusing on academics.

I recently met up with an old friend of mine. After we got talking, she revealed that she struggles with depression and anxiety. At first, this shocked me, as she always seemed incredibly bubbly and comfortable in her own skin to me. However, it soon became apparent that a lot of her depression stems from the fact that she feels her identity is purely based on her intelligence, and she doesn’t feel she has any real identity of her own.

All too often, though, our self worth is based upon how we compare with others. Someone is always prettier, more intelligent, more confident, etc. but why do we do this? Our self worth should be based on the things that are good about ourselves, and our individual traits.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve started to realise that I have more to offer than good grades. So perhaps I don’t get straight A’s anymore, but I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. Of course I still suffer from periods of depression, but I think I always will do to some extent. I’ve started to realise though that I’m at my most confident when I’m being me – somewhat quirky and awkward, but with my own identity.

So to anyone who is worrying about getting the best grades, because everyone tells you grades are everything – believe me, they’re not. Just focus on being happy in your own skin, and the rest will work out in the end.

Have a great week!